My Bloody Valentine 3D (emphasis on the 3D) is not a typical film. If you’ve seen the TV spots you know nothing about the plot, and the fact of the matter is that the studio could care less. It is a 3D spectacle with almost no attention paid to the elements traditional films promote. It’s a throwback to ‘80s slasher films filled with inconsequential details and scare tactics.
It starts on the wrong foot, and I’ll tell you why. We quickly are informed about a mining incident in which the lone survivor managed to live only because he killed everyone else for using his oxygen. However, he is put in a coma. Somehow he wakes up and decides the best course of action would be to kill everyone in the hospital and make his way back to the mineshaft. Well, some teens are throwing a party over there; the logical thing to do right? Somehow our unhappy miner, Harry Warden, sneaks into the mine and kills all of them except Tom (Jensen Ackles), Irene (Betsy Rue), Sarah (Jaime King), and Axel (Kerr Smith) who barely escape. Ten years later, Tom returns home to find that the killings have rekindled.
Did you catch that? The movie takes place well after the synopsis. It is as though they made a sequel to a film they just started shooting. In fact the bulk of the horrific killings happens off camera in a manner that made me question the projectionist’s judgment. I seriously thought we were missing an hour of movie. It is a huge mistake for a film not shy about it’s R badge of honor (courtesy/at the expense of Betsy Rue’s dignity), to just suddenly state that everyone is dead without showing it.
Recognize those names? It’s a B and TV grade cast. That’s why they aren’t mentioned in the ads. The quality of acting is questionable most of the time, but much of the blame has to be placed on the writing and directing. As dire as the situation is for the characters, there isn’t anything to take seriously. I can’t fully blame the players for using the lines that were given to them. The characters lack as much definition as your outgoing television. There isn’t anything cringeworthy in the sense of Zangief’s infamous, “you got paid?” in 1994’s Street Fighter.
Nonetheless the trouble is that there are zero memorable lines and situations. How many bullet resistant, teleporting, psycho, killers have these movies recycled? Maybe having nothing remarkable trumps something awkward. In that case, having characters who do logical things falls on the side of awkward and director Patrick Lussier took every step to avoid that.
If there is a positive point, it is the 3D aspect. Truth be told, this is my first 3D experience in the movie theatre. Picking up the Dolby 3D glasses, I noticed wear and spots on the lenses. I figured that would ultimately be distracting. Much to my amazement, imperfections in ergonomics and optics did nothing. These are not the old blue/red glasses. They appear clear and the developed effects are in full color. Not every scene had the extra kick, but every scene was displayed as a double image to anyone not dawning the shades. Objects such as trees in a dolly shot, or a flying pickaxe made use of the effect. Motion looks very refined, maybe more so than a traditional action oriented flick.
The art of making a bad film is very complex. With as much funding as today’s films receive, it is very hard to surpass the kitsch factor found in films over a decade ago. My Bloody Valentine 3D has the right amount of technical proficiency, with an underdog budget, to keep it off of “worst of all-time” lists and defeat the “so bad it’s good” argument. The 3D aspect is fun enough to consider viewing, but if your theatre isn’t offering it, keep walking. *½
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