There is such a wide variety of issues I take with 2012 that I am at a loss for how to review this movie in a manner that fits with my other, mostly more respectable, entries. Presently there is no need for me to be adherently professional with this; I have the numbers to get on Rotten Tomatoes, I’m just waiting. So with that said, I’m going to trump 2012 by presenting a curveball by simply jotting down feelings and thoughts on why this movie is such “epic fail”. This is in no particular order and I’m opting to include spoilers, if you want a spoiler free review, simply stick to my video. Otherwise, avoid 2012 for the following reasons:
1. Fake Arnold
In a movie that has several politically based characters, director Roland Emmerich chose to have an Arnold Schwarzenegger imitator step in for the role of Governor of California. To stay consistent, why wasn’t Danny Glover doing an Obama impersonation?
2. Danny Glover and Woody Harrelson
I’m not saying that their performances are bad. They’re buyable. The trouble is that they are clearly in the film because they thought it would speak as a warning piece on why we should take care of the environment. My guess is that were mislead, because the film I saw was blamed the sun heating the core of the Earth. No amount of being “green” could stop that.
3. Repetitive Action
There is an unwritten rule in the movies: a plane can only outrun and explosion once per film. There is another rule involving planes: a plan can only fly over an object “just in the nick of time” once per film. In 2012, the quota on these rules is aggressively violated. Perhaps a better title would have been Planes Fly Over Things, and They’re Fast.
4. Roland loves dogs
I liked Independence Day, even though there were some ridiculous occurrences in it. One scene that comes to mind has the family pet jumping to safety in order to avoid a fireball. That’s a clever dog. I’ll grant that maybe that particular dog is better trained than mine, or at the least less stubborn. Fashfoward 13 years (okay fine, 16) and dogs have gotten a lot brighter. A lucky pooch in this film can flee the arms of a child, then tightrope walk across wires that people otherwise overlook. Most impressive!
5. Jackson Curtis as the protagonist
Jackson is a rather ordinary guy. The only thing that ties him to the crisis management team is that he wrote a book that the team leader likes. Other than that, there is no reason for him to be a lead character. He’s divorced and has kids, so for some reason it was determined that this travesty would somehow help him bond with his broken family. He’s not an expert in anything that would prevent his death, he just wants to be a better father, and for that reason alone he takes prominence in this film.
6. Got relatives? Well let’s find out!
So the character that should be the lead, Adrian Helmsley, has a dad. He calls his father and lets him know about the impending doom. They have a heart-to-heart chat, and that’s understandable. However, it is a waste of time to then turn to Dad’s bandmate and have him do the same thing. There is no way I’m going to care about characters who are dead less than a minute after their introduction.
7. The last death
In this kind of movie there is usually a moral explaining why one of the more prominent characters dies. Typically the snob of the disaster film goes down because she doesn’t change her ways. Maybe a captain wants to go down with the ship. This theme carries over to some degree here, except when dealing with the last character to die. It’s a demise that doesn’t make sense both metaphorically and within the reality of the movie. Tamara (Beatrice Rosen) had breast implants, but wasn’t pompous about it. She may have been the most dynamic character in the movie since she was originally quiet arm candy, then nurturing and motivated. But to Roland she deserved to die, and how this happens I can’t determine. Somehow she drowns to death while in an area that is cut into three portions. She’s in the middle section and water is rushing into both her section and the one behind her. If water goes into the first area, and solid steel doors separate that section from hers, where is the water coming from that gets her?
8. Three hours
Little happens for over 30 minutes, and then chaos and implausibility ensue.
9. The vengeful planet
Ever get the feeling that our planet is hunting you? In this movie it joyfully crumbles away a chasm if you talk about relationship issues. If you need to get out of somewhere in a hurry, Earth is there and waiting to quake away the ground behind you. It’s amazing we’ve lasted this long.
That does it on my end. I can’t make Hollywood produce worthwhile movies, so this list-style review may make a return. Let’s hope it’s not anytime soon. *
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