A few months ago I had the pleasure of enduring four hours sequestered in a small concrete room with a couple hundred young women. This isn’t the start of an autobiography of Hugh Hefner, but how a male observes the Twilight phenomenon. You get to the theatre early, your ears bleed from shouts of “Team Jacob,” and then your brain is numbed.
Genuine shock. That’s the best way to describe my state of being after The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, the movie from the aforementioned events. It’s a movie that panders sex to tweenage girls and their all-about-me mentality that will undoubtedly enforce an unrealistic notion that the perfect man will slave over them, but somehow it’s not half bad.
Flash forward to the next installment, Breaking Dawn – Part 1, the fourth in a film series that only began in late 2008. The movie starts as friends and family of Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) receive invitations to her wedding to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). Within 10 minutes they are married and somewhere between there and Bella’s coming to terms with the consequences of being a woman carrying a vampire baby are a number of music montages, a laughable scene where wolves chat about tribal dominance, and a wolf vs vampire skirmish of no consequence.
The Twilight Saga hasn’t ever been known for Oscar worthy performances, but what somehow made it past editing in this particular film defies belief. The words and mannerisms on display are over the top for a movie trying so hard to take its subject seriously, but people do not behave like Kristen Stewart. Maybe Bella is actually a zombie.
It’s theft to spread a bookend across multiple films. By chopping this story, just as with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1, there is a sense of buildup that leads to nowhere within a single movie. Of course the point behind this is to tell fans of the novel that the entire novel will be see on screen, when the actual reasoning is to put another can under old Betsy. Unless something drastic happens this tactic will become the new norm.
Last week I reviewed what could go down as the worst comedy of all time (Jack and Jill). This week I had to review what could be the worst movie to ever feature vampires and/or werewolves. I say had because the shame of it is that this movie will makes hundreds of millions of dollars on it’s carefully plotted trek into the psyches and allowances of young girls. I would be shocked if a fan of Twilight even ventured across this review because getting to this point would require a higher plane of thought processing than Summit Entertainment expects out of its target demographic. *
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