When the heck did the 2012 summer movie season start? Ten years ago it wasn’t until late May, sometime after school closed. This year  The Avengers is out long before the season heats up. Even earlier there’s The Hunger Games which arrived with snow on the ground. You’ve seen everyone else’s kiss ass summer movie guide. Here’s mine.

 

The Avengers

In a move to boost appeal and play to gender equality, we have Scarlett Johansen as a pistol-toting heroine who somehow finds ways to keep up with a god and an indestructible behemoth.

 

 

 

Dark Shadows

Soap opera that you either haven’t heard of or don’t remember brought to the big screen.

 

 

 

Battleship

Explosions and chaos, all in the name of name recognition.

 

 

 

 

Men in Black 3

I gave my dad my pass to see this, and he was “too tired” to attend the screening. From what I hear, Tommy Lee Jones is hardly in it.

 

 

 

Snow White and the Huntsman

Skeptical enough over Snow White receiving a gritty Batman Begins styled retelling, anyone holding out hope that Kristen Stewart will be more “fair” than Charlize Theron is living a fantasy on her payroll.

 

 

Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted

Like we needed a third of these.

 

 

 

 

Prometheus

In all likelihood the best movie of the summer, Prometheus may be a prequel retread. Follow-ups to horror just don’t work out, they place a new group into a situation that was already played out. New TV spots featuring flamethrower wielding crew members have me concerned that I’ve seen this before.

 

 

Rock of Ages

If I want to listen to Def Leppard, which I often do, I’ll fire up the iPod. Paying to hear a bunch of movie stars singing, or pretending to sing, hit songs is hard to justify.

 

 

 

That’s My Boy

Might be fun to count how many products Adam Sandler has a stake in which end up plugged in the film.

 

 

 

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

The title does the work for me.

 

 

 

 

Brave

Another story of a young woman who defies the gender role of her day. Yipee!

 

 

 

Madea’s Witness Protection

You’ll want witness protection after exiting the theatre.

 

 

 

 

Magic Mike

Channing Tatum can be handled in doses, but let’s put a stop to Alex Pettyfer before he fills the same role.

 

 

 

Ted

Obvious CGI teddy bear is obvious.

 

 

 

 

The Amazing Spider-Man

10 years after the launch of a series, we get the reboot. Not only that we get a retelling of the origin story.

 

 

 

Ice Age: Continental Drift

The first movie had some touching moments, but at this point we’re skewing history to the point that we’re harming out children.

 

 

 

The Dark Knight Rises

A little late to be cashing in on the Occupy Wall Street movement.

 

 

 

Step Up Revolution

How long is this staircase?

 

 

 

 

The Watch

Who wants to guess what this movie used to be called, why the title was changed, and how it will be vaguely promoted on TV?

 

 

 

The Bourne Legacy

Stretching to make a dollar.

 

 

 

 

Total Recall

New rule: If the original starred Arnold Schwazenegger, there is to be no remake.

 

 

 

The Campaign

Expect subtext to undermine Republicans, because everyone knows that Republicans can’t defend themselves in the realm of Hollywood.

 

 

 

Sparkle

If only Whitney Houston acts as crazy as she lived out her final days.

 

 

 

The Expendables 2

August is a dumping ground which just might be a suitable resting place for the social security commandos.

 

 

 

Premium Rush

I’m pretty sure I’ve been hearing about this movie for 2 years. That layover doesn’t bode well.

 

 

 

 

Honestly I’m just trying to bring a different percpetive. I go into every movie hoping that I’ll be surprised for the better, but what I’m saying here is that there are logical reasons to be upset at the state of today’s entertainment. Thus far the best thing about this summer movie season has been the Universal 100th anniversary logo, a huge upgrade from the Crayola colored mess it replaces. How far am I off with my assessment? Leave your comments below. If this post interests you in the least, please share it with your crowd.